Sphere of Awesome

I've been thinking a lot. A WHOLE LOT. Maybe, just maybe, even more than usual. School is good because it makes me think. School is bad because the idea of failing stresses me out. Work is just werkin' to live not livin' to jerk. I learn many things about myself on a daily basis. One thing that I think I've known for a while, but I keep seeing when I take a couple steps back and look at the way I go about my business is that, although I dearly love simplicity, I almost always choose the complicated route. This route in my brain at the time of occurence seems like a good idea. In hindsight, I look at it and I think... whew, that was complicated, why did I do that?

This application seems to be the most obvious when I go about doing math problems. Everything is easy and I make it out to be like it's something all complicated and hard. I used to think that about learning a language until I learned one. Tell me now, how is math any different? Ain't!

Along the issue of school, the weirdest part about this semester is that I feel like I'm failing everything, when in reality I'm making the high grades in all of the (two) classes that I've had grades in so far. Why do I do that to myself? It's this constant push, I'm telling myself that I will fail and I won't have any time to work on this or that and I did terribly on this test.. but everyone did worse than me. So why do I stress? I don't know.. maybe that ol' survival method. I'll be calm and good times and I will still take this deep breath and let it out and feel my chest do this whirly concave implosion. I'm all right, though.. everything is all right, right? Rite riright rolo rolorlrorlrollyrolo?

Also, I used to hate anything faster than my natural fast walk. But lately I've been doing a little light running (the slow kind, even though it feels like my body is doing lightspeed) and I get such a great feeling from it. I will tell myself that I won't stop until a certain point and I will do it. And I won't stop. And that feels nice. It's kind of a distraction from the hustle and bustle but kind of not. Because what is a distraction? Something that keeps you from seeing what's really going on. And what is really going on? Basically, the same shit that's been going on for a thousand zillion years. So, in reality, I think maybe I'm not really distracting myself, maybe I'm just like, being a badass in the universe. I mean, it would be nice to be a badass in civilization and all of that, but honestly I'd rather be a badass in the universe's sphere of awesome.

I always wonder what I'll think when I read this in 10, 20, 30 years. If it even will still exist. Or maybe I won't!

I was at a stoplight near my house and this ambulance crosses heading towards the hospital. The lady in the passenger seat wasn't a paramedic, she was almost convulsing back and forth in complete shock. I only saw her for a second or two but I felt it. Tears welled up in my eyes as I kind of instinctively put myself there.

The drive is like the wake after the frenzy of scheduling slots for everything to fit in, but it is calm and thoughtful. I'm worried about some credits transferring and all of a sudden the realization hits me that people are dying right now--lots of them.

In my classes today I noticed that a lot of people were wearing their sunglasses on their heads. While I understand the need for sunglasses and I do indeed own a pair, I don't understand the wearing the sunglasses on your head when it's no longer sensible. When in history did that become cool? Why is it cool to wear eyeball shades on your head? Why are sunglasses a wardrobe accessory?

today started off on maybe an even more bizarre note when I woke up from having this dream where I was dying and these doctors were going to try a final operation on me. They put me under anesthetic and my spirit sat up and walked away from the table and ventured around for a short while until my alarm went off. I don't know if it was a subconscious decision, but I've been missing Spain the last few days and rented Abre los Ojos and in hindsight I realize it has a lot of notes from my dream.

Also today, this really liberal kid said something about China building this big stadium to house the Olympics and contrasted it with all of the homeless people in China. This other dude was like, "well, seeing as Earth is our home I don't think it's fair to say that anyone is really homeless."

I woke up today whilst in a deep, sleepy dream where I was making out with Russell Crowe in a bizarre, struggling type way. Work was hectic and when I was about to leave my boss came to my office with a 5-inch stack of papers and was like "handle this" and I karate kicked him in the 'sack. No time to swim in between work and class so I juiced it up and my first day of my first class was canceled. I swam and realized how hard it is to swim. But I loved it! This is all besides the point though because really what I want to remember when I read over this in time is that I saw a dude crossing an intersection on his bike in Hammer pants today. Nothing else matters.. nothing else matters.. nothing..

What I'd like to be doing today:

Lying out on soft grass listening to sweet jams watching sunset and stars

What I'm actually doing today:

"Jennifer, my computer keeps shutting down and it's not working anymore and I need to do all of my reporting today"

"Okay, let me go look at it"

Hmm, okay here's a fucking DOLPHIN THEMED SCREENSAVER, some free ringtones programs amongst all of the other shit you've downloaded and you wonder why you have A HANDFUL OF TROJANS THAT MAKE YOUR COMPUTER CRASH?

Looks like you've got a few trojan horses on there. The IT guy is coming in tomorrow morning to fix your computer so until then just refrain from downloading any dolphin screensavers.

everyone is retarded except for me

this week could be easily summed up by a Dalí drawing:

http://www.flickr.com/photos/hubertron/2679021480/in/set-72157606228860130/

for reference, Drawerhead Dude is me

if women as a whole are just nuts, vegan women must be out of their fucking minds. I'm glad that I experimented with the month vegan thing so I can now say that, while I don't mind not eating dairy and all that, I do mind being a baby nutbag. I'm blaming my crazery on the vegan diet because I can and because it makes sense. So that's that. Good times with the drawerhead dude devouring up all the inferior peoples of the world because he's all sad and angsty because of this and that and the hormone fluctuations and so forth.

I put together this little list of things that I want to do in the immediate future and it made me think..

why should I limit my list to the immediate future? so the idea is to make a list of life goals. things that I aim to do while I'm alive. I'm going to be working on my list, and I think when it's done I'll carry it around with me everywhere for reference and perspective and grounding and all of that stuff.

this all kind of circulates around something that I've been thinking about lately though.. determination is a really interesting thing. and it's amazing how little mental notations of "I'm going to do x thing in t time" have such an impact on the long run. you make these relatively small changes in your life and you keep getting closer to wherever you're reaching. it seems really primitive.. and I think it's safe to say that it is. determination seems to be rooted in survival. there's a persistent beast in all of us with some hidden agenda that acts out to stay existing. it's kind of like background noise to daily life. little remnants of our animal desires.

all of that gets mixed up with self-awareness and is bombarded with all of these metaphysical feelings and you find yourself in the cereal aisle, mulling over brands while your brain is calculating price differentials and quality and how it makes you feel inside and you kind of step back and wonder.. why am I doing this again? Oh, because I'm hungry!

we are mind and body but we communicate in different tongues. body is like "nom, nom" and mind is all like "my feelings" n shit. it's all kind of fun though.

love refracted light

yesterday evening was probably the best of the summer. there was a double rainbow, there was an awesome sunset and there was a huge waxing crescent moon. the weather was perfect. thank you, hurricane.

i annihilated three times yesterday

in the wind relieving pose "pavanamuktasana" the teacher instructs the class that the pose gives a nice massage to the internal organs and helps with digestion and elimination. in my book, it's called annihilation.

dear brain

please dream of playing the piano real awesome tonight

estoy pensando en por qué mi vida se ha enfocado tanto en los elementos y en la naturaleza. siempre me ha gustado mucho ver el mar desde mi primera experiencia con ella. creo que hay mucho que decir sobre la influencia del agua y aire en la vida, pues en particular la mía. tengo un cariño por estes elementos a pesar de lo que admito. me parecen las dos cosas infinitas e inconmensurables. su inmensidad me hace sentir algo con que tengo dificultad explicar. su enormidad ajusta la mentalidad y se la lleva lejos de la sociedad a un mundo sin expectaciones, reglas, normas. me hace pensar en otras cosas, de la importancia de que la vida sin nada más es lo importante. de que solamente el objeto de vivir en toda sensillez es lo que importa. en realidad el tiempo que llevamos viviendo sería un parpadeo por las galaxias. cómo es que uno se puede olvidar esto? ¡facilmente! vivimos en una civilización con limitaciones que en su fondo viola el propósito de vivir. existimos hasta que dejamos de existir. en cuales propiedades dejamos de existir? ni idea. lo que yo puedo entender de la vida es su sencilla belleza que toma forma en la naturaleza y observándola se llena bastante la diversión de existencia.

the other day i went sailing and the water was temperamental, still and stirring, still and stirring, still, still...........still.......STIRRING. I dipped my long-toed feets into the lake as the boat glided softly against the water creating little echoes of my feets and left muted technicolor residue from the large quantities of sunscreen I put on said feets. the murky water birthed little dead fish and occassionally an unidentified swimming object, presumably a fish. I imagined little Nessies hiding deep within the silt of the lake, waiting for a moment of calm and still water to check out their outerspace. the sky was a bubbly hazy pretty mess and the water in the lake resonated creating thousands of little pixelated notches that fooled the eyes. bundles of trees were sandwiched between the two and that seemed appropriate. i secretly hoped and felt anxious about capsizing her, just to spice up the day.

in my dreams i imagine myself sprawled out against an empty sea, the wind shuffling and combing my hair about, the sun hiding behind a lonely storm cloud, my eyes lost to infinity. there is no end, no beginning. space is infinite. my lungs fill with air and nearly collapse with every breath. everything feels very right and i can't see the future. i can't think of anything besides right now as this overwhelming feeling sweeps over every nerve, pulsating at the ocean's pace. everything has stopped and nothing is as it was but it's always been there. i guess i've met my old friend. my arms and legs are weightless and i can't move. it's all beautiful and overwhelming and i'm fading into every part