I was at a stoplight near my house and this ambulance crosses heading towards the hospital. The lady in the passenger seat wasn't a paramedic, she was almost convulsing back and forth in complete shock. I only saw her for a second or two but I felt it. Tears welled up in my eyes as I kind of instinctively put myself there.

The drive is like the wake after the frenzy of scheduling slots for everything to fit in, but it is calm and thoughtful. I'm worried about some credits transferring and all of a sudden the realization hits me that people are dying right now--lots of them.

In my classes today I noticed that a lot of people were wearing their sunglasses on their heads. While I understand the need for sunglasses and I do indeed own a pair, I don't understand the wearing the sunglasses on your head when it's no longer sensible. When in history did that become cool? Why is it cool to wear eyeball shades on your head? Why are sunglasses a wardrobe accessory?

today started off on maybe an even more bizarre note when I woke up from having this dream where I was dying and these doctors were going to try a final operation on me. They put me under anesthetic and my spirit sat up and walked away from the table and ventured around for a short while until my alarm went off. I don't know if it was a subconscious decision, but I've been missing Spain the last few days and rented Abre los Ojos and in hindsight I realize it has a lot of notes from my dream.

Also today, this really liberal kid said something about China building this big stadium to house the Olympics and contrasted it with all of the homeless people in China. This other dude was like, "well, seeing as Earth is our home I don't think it's fair to say that anyone is really homeless."

I woke up today whilst in a deep, sleepy dream where I was making out with Russell Crowe in a bizarre, struggling type way. Work was hectic and when I was about to leave my boss came to my office with a 5-inch stack of papers and was like "handle this" and I karate kicked him in the 'sack. No time to swim in between work and class so I juiced it up and my first day of my first class was canceled. I swam and realized how hard it is to swim. But I loved it! This is all besides the point though because really what I want to remember when I read over this in time is that I saw a dude crossing an intersection on his bike in Hammer pants today. Nothing else matters.. nothing else matters.. nothing..

What I'd like to be doing today:

Lying out on soft grass listening to sweet jams watching sunset and stars

What I'm actually doing today:

"Jennifer, my computer keeps shutting down and it's not working anymore and I need to do all of my reporting today"

"Okay, let me go look at it"

Hmm, okay here's a fucking DOLPHIN THEMED SCREENSAVER, some free ringtones programs amongst all of the other shit you've downloaded and you wonder why you have A HANDFUL OF TROJANS THAT MAKE YOUR COMPUTER CRASH?

Looks like you've got a few trojan horses on there. The IT guy is coming in tomorrow morning to fix your computer so until then just refrain from downloading any dolphin screensavers.

everyone is retarded except for me

this week could be easily summed up by a Dalí drawing:

http://www.flickr.com/photos/hubertron/2679021480/in/set-72157606228860130/

for reference, Drawerhead Dude is me

if women as a whole are just nuts, vegan women must be out of their fucking minds. I'm glad that I experimented with the month vegan thing so I can now say that, while I don't mind not eating dairy and all that, I do mind being a baby nutbag. I'm blaming my crazery on the vegan diet because I can and because it makes sense. So that's that. Good times with the drawerhead dude devouring up all the inferior peoples of the world because he's all sad and angsty because of this and that and the hormone fluctuations and so forth.

I put together this little list of things that I want to do in the immediate future and it made me think..

why should I limit my list to the immediate future? so the idea is to make a list of life goals. things that I aim to do while I'm alive. I'm going to be working on my list, and I think when it's done I'll carry it around with me everywhere for reference and perspective and grounding and all of that stuff.

this all kind of circulates around something that I've been thinking about lately though.. determination is a really interesting thing. and it's amazing how little mental notations of "I'm going to do x thing in t time" have such an impact on the long run. you make these relatively small changes in your life and you keep getting closer to wherever you're reaching. it seems really primitive.. and I think it's safe to say that it is. determination seems to be rooted in survival. there's a persistent beast in all of us with some hidden agenda that acts out to stay existing. it's kind of like background noise to daily life. little remnants of our animal desires.

all of that gets mixed up with self-awareness and is bombarded with all of these metaphysical feelings and you find yourself in the cereal aisle, mulling over brands while your brain is calculating price differentials and quality and how it makes you feel inside and you kind of step back and wonder.. why am I doing this again? Oh, because I'm hungry!

we are mind and body but we communicate in different tongues. body is like "nom, nom" and mind is all like "my feelings" n shit. it's all kind of fun though.

love refracted light

yesterday evening was probably the best of the summer. there was a double rainbow, there was an awesome sunset and there was a huge waxing crescent moon. the weather was perfect. thank you, hurricane.