the only thing that really remains in my memory is the big train window and the very very deep blue mediterranean and the bright blue sky and dark rocks. I know there were little towns amidst the beauty and power lines and mundane conversations, but good memories dissolve the bad and boring stuff.. just like bad memories exacerbate them. that's kind of interesting

homage to food

I don't know if I'm obsessed with food, but I'm for sure in love with it and that is why I'm compiling this list. Everything on here would be really hard to refuse

(in no particular order)

pizza
beignets
cafe con leche
breakfast (everything up to and including scrapple)
BLT
cheeseburger
coconut ice cream bars
cinnamon ice cream
peanut butter cups
pineapple
italian fig cookies
grilled cheese sandwich
guacamole
tacos al pastor
fondue
pan con tomate
european-style fries
spaghetti with meat sauce
chocolate milk
carrot juice
dark chocolate
fresh-squeezed orange juice
post-thanksgiving turkey sandwich

maybe there were some aspects of traveling to different countries that I really didn't like, but the memories that seem to remain the most prominent are almost always good ones. I remember how exciting it was to be riding in a car driving through Mexico City, seeing this totally different world and being around all new people. I didn't have classes on Friday so I would go with my cousin to a part of the city I was pretty unfamiliar with while he went to his German class. I sat in this relatively big park with a big David fountain in the middle and read books and watched people. I really stood out in this part of the city, so I was always a little paranoid.. but it was nice to walk around and explore things.

After being in D.F. enough times, it seems pretty normal now. There aren't a whole lot of things that amaze me more than they do here. That's sort of the archetype of traveling though. We are really good at adapting, and in every place I went to I found that what once was such a foreign and alien and sort of mysterious place in a month became the norm. Every once in the while you get this sort of realization that you're doing something totally outside of your "normal" life and it's kind of shocking in a good way, but you keep on just like you would anywhere else. That's a sort of beautiful aspect about being human.

There's something really peculiar about being this thing that creates and destroys and transforms ideas but is still sort of trapped in this scheme of typical animal behavior. It's kind of like we do all of the things that our predecessors did but we have this additional (assuming we are unique in that regard) capacity of thinking about what it is that we're doing.. and maybe even thinking about why we're doing it. Most of the time this thought kind of flashes quickly across the brain but it doesn't stay long enough to really make an impact. Occasionally the thought stays for longer and other disturbing and maybe even perturbing thoughts follow. Big questions start coming up as we build from 'what am i doing?' to 'why am I doing this?' to 'why does anyone do this?' to 'why am i even here?' to 'how am i even here?' I'm not sure what exactly the order is, but it's something like this and once we get from the stems to the roots everything gets overwhelmingly unclear. it's like our brain has reached its limit.. the limit is a cliff that drops off into the Unknown. You can go there.. but you will be confused. Where we can't figure things out, we use our imagination to work through possibilities. The possibilities part is about as far as I can get, and I really kind of like this part. It's an empty sort of unknown that never ceases to pique my curiosity. This is what makes living really valuable to me. I feel kind of lucky to have these tools even if I can't get any answers.

Springtime is intense. My brain starts replicating this algorithm of nostalgia and I have this heavy weight in my chest that feels like what a nebula looks like. The routine and lazy winter gets obviously boring as I seek newness that will create future nostalgia. I always keep forgetting to keep my high priorities high. I always forget to look up and think "oh, yeah.. this is what matters"

This season I'll choose to be more honest. I won't forget to tell the people I care about how much I care about them. I won't forget to have fun and keep dreaming and not be adult. And I'll keep thinking and coming up with ideas except this time I'll actually write a few of them down so they don't get washed away

Sphere of Awesome

I've been thinking a lot. A WHOLE LOT. Maybe, just maybe, even more than usual. School is good because it makes me think. School is bad because the idea of failing stresses me out. Work is just werkin' to live not livin' to jerk. I learn many things about myself on a daily basis. One thing that I think I've known for a while, but I keep seeing when I take a couple steps back and look at the way I go about my business is that, although I dearly love simplicity, I almost always choose the complicated route. This route in my brain at the time of occurence seems like a good idea. In hindsight, I look at it and I think... whew, that was complicated, why did I do that?

This application seems to be the most obvious when I go about doing math problems. Everything is easy and I make it out to be like it's something all complicated and hard. I used to think that about learning a language until I learned one. Tell me now, how is math any different? Ain't!

Along the issue of school, the weirdest part about this semester is that I feel like I'm failing everything, when in reality I'm making the high grades in all of the (two) classes that I've had grades in so far. Why do I do that to myself? It's this constant push, I'm telling myself that I will fail and I won't have any time to work on this or that and I did terribly on this test.. but everyone did worse than me. So why do I stress? I don't know.. maybe that ol' survival method. I'll be calm and good times and I will still take this deep breath and let it out and feel my chest do this whirly concave implosion. I'm all right, though.. everything is all right, right? Rite riright rolo rolorlrorlrollyrolo?

Also, I used to hate anything faster than my natural fast walk. But lately I've been doing a little light running (the slow kind, even though it feels like my body is doing lightspeed) and I get such a great feeling from it. I will tell myself that I won't stop until a certain point and I will do it. And I won't stop. And that feels nice. It's kind of a distraction from the hustle and bustle but kind of not. Because what is a distraction? Something that keeps you from seeing what's really going on. And what is really going on? Basically, the same shit that's been going on for a thousand zillion years. So, in reality, I think maybe I'm not really distracting myself, maybe I'm just like, being a badass in the universe. I mean, it would be nice to be a badass in civilization and all of that, but honestly I'd rather be a badass in the universe's sphere of awesome.

I always wonder what I'll think when I read this in 10, 20, 30 years. If it even will still exist. Or maybe I won't!

I was at a stoplight near my house and this ambulance crosses heading towards the hospital. The lady in the passenger seat wasn't a paramedic, she was almost convulsing back and forth in complete shock. I only saw her for a second or two but I felt it. Tears welled up in my eyes as I kind of instinctively put myself there.

The drive is like the wake after the frenzy of scheduling slots for everything to fit in, but it is calm and thoughtful. I'm worried about some credits transferring and all of a sudden the realization hits me that people are dying right now--lots of them.

In my classes today I noticed that a lot of people were wearing their sunglasses on their heads. While I understand the need for sunglasses and I do indeed own a pair, I don't understand the wearing the sunglasses on your head when it's no longer sensible. When in history did that become cool? Why is it cool to wear eyeball shades on your head? Why are sunglasses a wardrobe accessory?