Sphere of Awesome

I've been thinking a lot. A WHOLE LOT. Maybe, just maybe, even more than usual. School is good because it makes me think. School is bad because the idea of failing stresses me out. Work is just werkin' to live not livin' to jerk. I learn many things about myself on a daily basis. One thing that I think I've known for a while, but I keep seeing when I take a couple steps back and look at the way I go about my business is that, although I dearly love simplicity, I almost always choose the complicated route. This route in my brain at the time of occurence seems like a good idea. In hindsight, I look at it and I think... whew, that was complicated, why did I do that?

This application seems to be the most obvious when I go about doing math problems. Everything is easy and I make it out to be like it's something all complicated and hard. I used to think that about learning a language until I learned one. Tell me now, how is math any different? Ain't!

Along the issue of school, the weirdest part about this semester is that I feel like I'm failing everything, when in reality I'm making the high grades in all of the (two) classes that I've had grades in so far. Why do I do that to myself? It's this constant push, I'm telling myself that I will fail and I won't have any time to work on this or that and I did terribly on this test.. but everyone did worse than me. So why do I stress? I don't know.. maybe that ol' survival method. I'll be calm and good times and I will still take this deep breath and let it out and feel my chest do this whirly concave implosion. I'm all right, though.. everything is all right, right? Rite riright rolo rolorlrorlrollyrolo?

Also, I used to hate anything faster than my natural fast walk. But lately I've been doing a little light running (the slow kind, even though it feels like my body is doing lightspeed) and I get such a great feeling from it. I will tell myself that I won't stop until a certain point and I will do it. And I won't stop. And that feels nice. It's kind of a distraction from the hustle and bustle but kind of not. Because what is a distraction? Something that keeps you from seeing what's really going on. And what is really going on? Basically, the same shit that's been going on for a thousand zillion years. So, in reality, I think maybe I'm not really distracting myself, maybe I'm just like, being a badass in the universe. I mean, it would be nice to be a badass in civilization and all of that, but honestly I'd rather be a badass in the universe's sphere of awesome.

I always wonder what I'll think when I read this in 10, 20, 30 years. If it even will still exist. Or maybe I won't!